These words are written in hesitation, almost agony. For more then a month I have not had to think about this website. It was a month of total bliss. My mind was clean. I ignored my traffic stats, I did not read other blogs, I did not add new content. It was back to the good old days – before I had this website. My mind was free to roam about anything and everything.
Time was my own. Reading, I was able to concentrate on what the donkey was saying to the turtle. When I had a shower I was able to sing. I ate slow and chewed all my food. No rush and nothing pressing me. No pressure to be at the computer doing something to the website.
I did not care about this website or about the online world. It was great; but like the courting phase of a relationship, it must come to a end. The fun stops and work begins – kisses and hugs become obligations and commitments.
So here I am, back at it. Writing about the website. Oh God, the agony. With these words come all the attachments: HTML, visitors, traffic, Adsense, comments, backups and that is just the technical aspect. There is also the physiological damage – mental strain, sense of failure, syphilis pushing a rock up a hill only to have it roll back again, a slave to the website. Back at it, back to having the website as a constant companion while I walk the streets, take a shower and sip my coffee.
Why do this? Why put one self through it? What is it all for? The same reason destitute and repressed people left their homes, traveled the stormy seas, and landed on the beaches of the unknown called America. A dream. I do it in pursuit of a dream. Pilgrims came to America to avoid suppression and start a new life on their own terms. This website is in pursuit of a dream of living on my own terms. To be free from the terms of my employee contract. To be free from my 1 hour lunch break. To be free from my boss’s mood swings. Free to call time my own. I have a dream.
Lots of people died on the journey to America. And a lot more when they got there. In their case failure turned the dream chaser to fertilizer. Fortunately for me the worst that can happen is I spend a lot of time and money and end up with 20 megabytes of useless HTML.
I have spent a year on this website. In terms of making money it was a complete waste. I could of made a lot more with a lemonade stand setup beside a water fountain. During the year I spent a lot of time thinking about the website – mental time that I will never get back. Was it worth it? Maybe if I spent that time thinking about something else, like building a perpetual motion machine, I would be a lot better off now.
But that was last year. Who knows if it was for the best. But I am not a crazed nut that pursues an impossible dream of turning dung into gold. One more year is all that I will allow this website to suck out of me. If nothing drastic happens within a year I will release myself from its grasp and be free to sing in the shower again.